When someone’s “kindness” feels like control

Nadin Tavsan
Jul 28
6 min read

Hi love,

Let’s talk about something a lot of people feel but almost no one talks about properly.

There are people in our lives who seem sweet, generous, even selfless.They offer help. They remember birthdays. They say “I just want everyone to be okay.”

And yet, after spending time with them… you feel worse. Every time. But you don’t know why.

I used to think I was the problem.Too sensitive. Too reactive. Too much.

Now I know what I was feeling had a name. Several names, actually. And the more I learned, the clearer everything got.

So today, we’re walking into the world of covert narcissism, emotional manipulation, and what I like to call “kindness with teeth.”

This is for anyone who’s been blamed while being polite, guilted while being generous, and slowly pushed to the edge while being told they were loved.

Let’s unpack the patterns — gently, but fully.

The Martyr Mask

You know the type. They do one chore and talk about it for a week. They help with something small and look at you like you should nominate them for sainthood. They say things like “I’m so tired, but I still managed to do this” and wait for applause.

It’s not real support. It’s performance. What they really want is to be seen as selfless without actually being available.

Psychologist Craig Malkin calls this the quiet version of narcissism — not loud or flashy, but constantly expecting recognition and punishing you emotionally if you don’t deliver.

It’s confusing. You want to say thank you, but inside, you’re choking on resentment.That’s not gratitude. That’s manipulation.

The Ghost Helper

They show up when it’s easy, when it looks good, when there’s a moment to shine.They’re there for the beach days, the lunch photos, the part where everyone sees them. And when they want to point out something good about themselves — even if they didn’t actually do it — they’ll say it like it’s fact.

They act helpful without doing the helping. They act generous without showing up when it counts.

Psychologist Lindsay Gibson says these kinds of people are more interested in being seen as supportive than actually being supportive.

And your body knows. You’re the one holding it all, while they hold the credit.

Control That Sounds Like Concern

This one is sneaky.

They don’t come right out and say you’re doing it wrong. They just drop little suggestions that carry a whole lot of judgment.

You should be more strict with your kids. You should feed them better, more healthy food, make sure they get their vitamins. You should support someone more in their goal or business. You should focus more on the home.

It sounds like advice, but it lands like pressure. And suddenly, you’re second-guessing your every move.

Dr. Ramani calls this weaponized empathy. It’s when concern is used like a velvet rope — pulling you in, while keeping you under control.

You’re constantly on trial, but there’s no judge and no verdict. Just a feeling that you’re always coming up short..

The Subtle Competition

You start to notice something strange in how they treat someone close to you. They light up when they’re around. They praise them for little things. They get a little too warm when that person chooses their way.

They don’t say it outright, but the energy says, this one’s mine. You hear little things like “I know them best,” or “They’ve always been special.”

But the unspoken part is what stings — as if your place next to them is temporary. Conditional. Debatable. When boundaries blur like this, it stops being affection. It becomes ownership dressed as closeness.

Therapists call this enmeshment. The lines get blurry between love and possession. And even though no one says it directly, you feel the competition — and you didn’t even know you’d entered a game.

The Triangle Trap

You’re hearing things you weren’t supposed to hear. You’re being told things with a whisper and a wink.

“Don’t tell them I said this, but...” “They said they’re upset, but I’m staying out of it.”

Except they’re not staying out of it.

They’re right in the middle — controlling who knows what and how it lands.

This is called triangulation.

Psychologist Karyl McBride explains it best: people who triangulate create confusion on purpose. It lets them stay at the center without ever being directly blamed.

You’re not imagining it.The chaos isn’t an accident. It’s a strategy.

The Manipulation You Can’t Prove

Some people don’t ask for control. They just quietly take it — one decision, one conversation, one sideways comment at a time.

They know exactly what to say to look kind in public and feel powerful in private.

They’ll shape the story before you even speak. They’ll twist things just enough that you start to doubt your own memory. They’ll say “I didn’t mean it like that” or “I was just trying to help” — and suddenly, you’re the one apologizing.

This isn’t obvious manipulation. It’s the slow kind.The kind that happens in small comments, long silences, and rewrites of reality.

Psychologist Shahida Arabi calls it covert manipulation, and she says it best:

“It’s not the words they use that confuse you. It’s the space between them — what’s implied, what’s withheld, what’s twisted.”

You don’t walk away angry. You walk away foggy. And if someone else asks what happened, you can’t explain it. You just know something’s off. Over time, you start adjusting your tone, second-guessing your instincts, and editing yourself, just to stay ahead of the emotional consequences.

That’s how it works. It hides in plain sight.

Guilt as a Lifestyle

This one doesn’t sound like guilt at first. It sounds like reminiscing, advice, or casual judgment.

You should focus on your family right now.

It’s not the time for work or projects.

You can do your hair yourself, your nails yourself.

I always did.

I was alone. I had no help. I managed.

I was always there for people. I cared for them. I showed up. I did this. I did that. Ugh.

It’s all framed like strength. Like sacrifice. But the message underneath?

You should be grateful. You should be like me. You’re doing too much — or not enough.

They’re not offering support. They’re offering comparison dressed up as character.

And you're left shrinking your life to keep the peace.

They don’t just want to be seen as good. They need to be the best one in the room, the one who cared the most, sacrificed the most, suffered the most. Whether or not it’s true.

The Nice One Who’s In Charge of Everything

They take over — the kitchen, the schedule, the mood of the room — but always say they’re “just helping.”

They offer advice you didn’t ask for. They adjust things without checking. They act like they’re being generous, while you feel slowly erased.

This is passive control. The kind that makes you feel like a guest in your own home.

As Dr. Nicole LePera writes, some people stay “nice” so they can keep control without confrontation.

It works — because it’s hard to push back on someone who smiles the whole time.

And Then There’s The Person Who Doesn’t See It Yet

The hardest part?

Sometimes the person closest to you grew up in this. They learned to stay silent. To adapt. To make peace with dysfunction.

They might say “Yeah, that was weird” But then they shrug. Or change the subject. Or ask you to drop it.

They’re not against you. They’re just afraid of what it means if you’re right.

Because if you’re right, everything changes.

When someone grows up inside this dynamic, keeping the peace becomes second nature. They don’t just avoid conflict, they forget they’re allowed to have one.